My boyfriend and I ventured into the city to go to a comedy festival, the show we were seeing started at 5:30pm on a Saturday – very early for a show, but I wasn’t complaining.
To make the trip a bit faster and more bearable, we drove half way and then caught the train. Surprise, surprise, the train station we went to had no trains running! At the moment they are doing works on the train lines, and I stupidly didn’t look beforehand. This got my anxiety up a bit.
We then had to drive to a different station and get the train from there. I swipe my train card to get on and there’s no money on it, and I have it set to ‘auto top up’ so it directly takes the money out of my account when the balance becomes low, so I never have to worry about it. I have no idea why this happened, but I had to put some money on it, and work out why it stopped working when we got home. We got on the train. Finally.
I was trying to zone out on the train by browsing through Instagram, Facebook & Twitter on my phone. This worked for a bit. I started getting really panicky. We were on the train and I couldn’t just get off if I wanted to. The increasing heart rate, sweating and nausea began.
I needed to get off at the next stop. I had to. We got off and waited until I had calmed down a bit, went to the bathroom and waited until another train to the city arrived. I was going ok for the rest of the journey into the city. I am lucky I have such a supportive boyfriend, who I will never let go of.
Because of me, we were late to the comedy show. Only by 10-15 minutes, but still late. My boyfriend said he didn’t care, thank god. We squeezed through to our seats, the people in our row had to stand up to let us through. It was dark and hard to see. We made it to our seats. I sat down, took a breath, and started quietly crying. My boyfriend tried to calm me down, thankfully the show took my mind off things.
Through the middle of the show I needed the bathroom and started to become anxious. Which made me need it more. I felt so horrible for having to squeezing through the seating isle again. And again, coming back. My anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t relax. I was going from hot to cold and felt so horrible. The show finished, it was great. I was very thankful it was over though as I just wanted to get out of there.
We walked around for a bit and found an Italian restaurant to eat at. Unfortunately because of my anxiety, I wasn’t very hungry. I ordered a pizza, and knew I wouldn’t eat it all. My boyfriend ordered pasta.
After this we went for a stroll, and ended up back at the train station to go home. I was a lot calmer when we arrived home. I chilled out for a bit, wound down and went to bed. I was absolutely exhausted. I was mentally and physically drained.
I really hope anxiety isn’t the death of me, sometimes I think it might be.
If you are struggling with anxiety, please talk to someone. I am on a long road to recovery, I am positive it will get better. Right now I am just getting by.